Ahnung comes to visit me in my dreams

Ahnung - July, 2013

We are going on 5 months since my precious Ahnung crossed over into the spirit world. Yes ... there are days where I see the light and I feel joy again in my heart. When I see Legacy leap in the air, and Ishka tear around the back yard with her brother, or drag snow shovels, dog beds and pooper scoopers around the yard, I smile. I believe Ahnung picked Legacy in August, 2011, out of 13 puppies from Leech Lake Reservation who found temporary refuge in my studio till they could move onto the next stage of their journey. I believe Ahnung led me to Ishkode/Ishka, the first surrender at the October 2013 spay/neuter clinic at Leech Lake Reservation - the first clinic without Ahnung physically by my side. There are days I admit when I ask my sweet girl ... did you really think I needed a puppy in my life? A puppy with lots of fire and energy?? :) What happened to bringing a puppy into my life with the same calm presence you had? .... There are days when the pain in my heart is still so fresh, when the tears feel like they will never stop, when I ache for just one more day, one more moment, one more touch. And lately, when I re-read the blog pieces I have written on Anticipatory Grief, I ache too for the days and the months when there was a lot of uncertainty of when the time would come, because in that uncertainty, I still had Ahnung. That Sunday afternoon (August 25, 2013) when I held Ahnung in my arms as we set her spirit free, yes, uncertainty left, and in its place came a feeling so heavy, a pain so deep and a desire to run from the sensation of my heart being shredded into a million pieces.

But the gift Ahnung gave me in our Final Walk together was a chance to prepare for this moment, and how to walk through the journey of grief in a new way. I could hear her telling me, 'Stand. Four feet on the ground. Let the tears flow through you ..... I am in your tears; i am in the rocks, the squirrels, in Legacy, in Ishka ... and in every animal you bring down on transport from Leech Lake and Red Lake reservations."

I have wanted Ahnung to come visit me in my dreams. As we approach 5 months, she finally came to visit me in my dreams last night. She came with Ishka and we were at Lake Harriet Vet. Ishka was busy getting lots of attention from the staff. Meanwhile, out of the side of my eye I saw Ahnung opening up a file cabinet. She used her mouth to grab the knob and pulled the cabinet door open ... and stashed in front of files was a big bag of chips! I called over to her, and she turned around and looked at me. I walked over to her and she plopped her body down and leaned her body against me. She looked up at me with those eyes that would just pierce through me ... those eyes that spoke to my soul and made us one; our eyes connected, and I held her. Together. We were together again ... and then I woke up.

Shadow and Light Source Both

~ Rumi

How does a part of the world leave the world?

How does wetness leave water? Don't try to

put out fire by throwing on more fire! Don't

wash a wound with blood. No matter how fast

you run, your shadow keeps up. Sometimes it's

in front! Only full overhead sun diminishes

your shadow. But that shadow has been serving

you. What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is

your candle. Your boundaries are your quest.

I could explain this, but it will break the

glass cover on your heart, and there's no

fixing that. You must have shadow and light

source both. Listen, and lay your head under

the tree of awe. When from that tree feathers

and wings sprout on you, be quieter than

a dove. Don't even open your mouth for even a coo.

Legacy and Ahnung
Joy Session by Sarah Beth Photography - August, 2012

Ishka

I decided to see if there was something symbolic about why Ahnung appeared to me in my dream last night ... I went through some old blog posts. A year ago today, Ahnung woke me up with a blood curdling cry ... there is intention and purpose, once again as to why my sweet girl appeared to me in my dream last night.

Blog post from a year ago:
http://mariloureflects.blogspot.com/2013/01/awakening-to-wild-cry.html